News Satire Roundup: March 23rd-March 26th

Today, I’m staying home for Denzel Washington.

Monday, March 23 – In international news, the headline was the Olympics being postponed for a year; Trevor’s impression of athletes trying to compete over Skype was fun. We also looked at Italian officials yelling at people for not social distancing (greatly satisfying) and Spanish cops serenading citizens stuck at home (delightful.) Back in the U.S., it was more public figures testing positive, PPE shortages (with medical shows like Grey’s Anatomy donating the supplies they use as props!), and Congress stalling over a stimulus package. I loved Trevor’s description of what Trump could do with unmonitored funds to distribute to corporations (“any rival company, or anyone that makes vegetables, is going down!”) Trevor and Desi caught up, comparing Trevor’s experience of self-isolating alone with Desi’s of self-isolating with her young child. Finally, Roy and Michael updated us on the “Trump’s Best Words” bracket.

Tuesday, March 24 – Today’s good news included car manufacturers making ventilators and wild animals enjoying some leisure time while the humans are stuck inside. We looked at lockdown measures in South Africa (which won’t start until Friday, so the coronavirus gets to have one last hurrah) and the U.K. The latest from Trump featured his continued promotion of a drug that hasn’t been tested for coronavirus effectiveness (Trevor rightly called out doctors who are prescribing it) and his desire to ease up on social distancing sooner rather than later. The Lt. Governor who considered the lives of the vulnerable an acceptable tradeoff for a quicker resurgence in the economy was gross, and I hope Texas voters remember that. Michael and Trevor compared social-distancing beards and debated whether spying counts as “getting to know your neighbors.” The guest, DJ D-Nice, talked about DJing virtual parties on Instagram.

Wednesday, March 25 – We opened on the stimulus package (Trevor’s right – how sad is it that lawmakers saw the need to stipulate that Trump can’t use the money for his own businesses?), improvements in Wuhan, and Prince Charles testing positive. In the U.S., we looked at airlines spreading out passengers (who’s still flying right now?!) and Amazon asking for donations so they can hire more workers to meet demand. The big story was Trump’s dream of “packed churches” on Easter, i.e., America back to normal, despite every indication to the contrary. I nodded so hard at, “The only person who doesn’t understand how serious this is just happens to be the most powerful man in the world.” Ronny called in from Australia, blowing Trevor’s mind at how easy it was to get tested there. Dr. Vivek Murthy was the guest, discussing the situation on the ground and emphasizing how severely PPE shortages are affecting healthcare workers.

Thursday, March 26­ – First was mask donations from everyone from Joann Fabrics customers to Porn Hub. The international news of the day compared India’s response, locking down its 1.3 billion people, to Brazil’s, where gangs are stepping in to impose/enforce curfews because the federal government isn’t doing anything. The show scored the coup of guest Dr. Anthony Fauci, so much of the episode was dedicated to Trevor’s interview with him. They covered a range of topics – why this virus is an epidemiologist’s nightmare, sorting through misinformation (such as taking unproven treatments,) and why it’s so important for young people to do their part and social distance. Finally, we looked at states with quarantine measures for out-of-state visitors, and the show offered “anti-tourism” ads promoting that message. My favorite was its slogan for Alaska: “Come One Step Closer, and I Swear to God We’ll Blow up All the Oil.”