News Satire Roundup: March 1st-March 5th

Sunday, March 1 – John touched quickly on the end of Tom Steyer’s campaign before jumping into the main story on the coronavirus. As a mild-to-moderate germophobe, I’d already read a lot of the information featured in the story, but it was still excellent. John hit the facts, breaking down what the stats mean and sorting through misinformation. He focused a lot on government mishandling of outbreaks in various countries, and while numbers in the U.S. are still low, he noted Trump’s worrying trend of directly contradicting public health officials. He shared an extremely-catchy PSA song from Vietnam about washing your hands, and he also managed to work in his ongoing obsession with Adam Driver: “shatter my kneecaps, you fuckable redwood.” We couldn’t end without switching gears to the Phillie Phanatic. With news that the mascot might become a free agent if the Phillies lose the rights, the show’s gearing up for a bidding war.

Monday, March 2 – Opening blurbs on Nespresso and child labor, the US peace deal with the Taliban, and New York getting rid of its last pay phones (featuring Trevor’s speculation that Superman was just an exhibitionist.) Update on the Democratic primary, with Joe Biden winning big in South Carolina and three moderates in the race dropping out. Great jokes about Biden’s worst enemy still being himself (I loved Trevor’s take on his gaffe of the Declaration of Independence: “That’s one small step for man, one… medium coffee no cream,”) and I liked the bit about Trump being the one debate opponent who wouldn’t notice Biden’s gaffes. More on the coronavirus – we got drive-through testing in South Korea, an uptick in previously-unknown US cases, and Roy making Trevor’s germophobia flare up. Actress Nina Dobrev was the guest, discussing her new movie on Tom Ford, who she felt was a precursor to the Trump era.

Tuesday, March 3 – Live show for Super Tuesday. We got updates through the night on the latest victories, with Joe Biden surging after a slow start in the earlier primaries. I liked the bits on other politicians supporting either Biden or Bernie Sanders – Beto O’Rourke reminding people he still exists, Ilhan Omar getting everyone to hold hands because she knows “people with coronavirus will want free healthcare.” I laughed at Trump emphasizing that another moderate endorsing Biden and then getting a spot in his administration would be a quid pro quo, especially the joke that it’s like a Word of the Day calendar for crimes. We also looked at Michael Bloomberg’s big payout seeming not to pay off. Desi interviewed an Elizabeth Warren supporter who’s trading porn for donations to her campaign. Former Obama campaign manager David Plouffe was the guest, looking at what’s needed to prevent a second term for Trump.

Wednesday, March 4 – First up was the coronavirus in New York (“Even the subway masturbators have switched to Purell! You have to do it for at least 20 seconds….”), followed by the discovery of dinosaur DNA (Trevor felt we need to make Jurassic Park – “We all know how it ends, but those first two days are gonna be dope!”), and Twitter experimenting with disappearing tweets. More on Super Tuesday, looking at Michael Bloomberg dropping out after “spending half a billion dollars not to become president” and Joe Biden staying ahead despite mixing up his wife and his sister (oh, Joe….) Lewis did a Back in Black on parents oversharing about their kids on social media. People stealing kids’ identities thanks to parents posting on Facebook? Yikes. Disability rights activist JudithHeumann was the guest, sharing stories about her time advocating for the passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Thursday, March 5 – We started with the Democratic primary narrowing to two old white guys, the spread of the coronavirus and Trump weirdly insisting that it’s basically over already, and a texting-while-driver detour off a bridge. Next was a look at “forever” chemicals, which are used to create non-stick surfaces but then get into our food/water/bloodstreams. I loved the bit about chocolate cake having “a backup plan of secret chemicals” if the diabetes doesn’t get us. In honor of Women’s History Month (“the one month of the year Mike Pence can’t be alone with a calendar,”) Dulcé talked about gender disparities in statues, arguing that women’s history won’t be remembered and celebrated if it’s not recognized like men’s. WNBA president Nneka Ogwumike was the guest. She repped hard for the WNBA, talked about the wage gap in the sport, and looked ahead to the future.