News Satire Roundup: December 8th-December 12th

Sunday, December 8 – Today, Hasan looked at Asian-Americans and voting. They’re the fastest-growing group of eligible voters in the country, with the power to flip districts when they turn out in numbers, but they’re almost completely ignored by the U.S. political system. Hasan examined the “chicken and egg” cycle of politicians ignoring Asian-American communities and low voter turnout, and he didn’t neglect how being ignored also extends to presidential candidate Andrew Yang (that MSNBC graphic for a Democratic debate that listed every participating candidate except Yang was especially damning.) Hasan interviewed Yang about that, and Yang was also a pretty good sport during some man-on-the-street Chinatown interviews. Additionally, Hasan interviewed Cory Booker, who takes time to reach out to Asian-American communities beyond pandering. (Hasan’s campaign slogan pitch? “Cory Booker: I’ll Let Your Cousin In.”)

Monday, December 9 – First was a New Jersey bill to make kids learn cursive, a banana that’s considered “art” (great crack about buying Michelangelo’s David and it turning brown and mushy a few days later) and Trump’s insistence that Americans have to flush low-flow toilets “10 to 15 times.” Some Democratic primary stories: Joe Biden challenging an old man to a pushup contest at a town hall (loved the Black Panther Challenge Day jokes,) Pete Buttigieg’s closed-door fundraisers, and the scandalous reveal that Elizabeth Warren earned money from a job she had. New sports piece from Michael and Roy. I liked the bit on Russia being banned from global sports, with Roy’s comment that sports were the “after-school program” keeping Russians out of trouble and now they’ll just do more meddling. The guest, Kelly Marie Tran, discussed both the ugliness and the support she experienced after being cast in Star Wars.

Tuesday, December 10 – I liked the bit on Finland’s new prime minister, the youngest to hold the post. Also, it’s wild that people steal mattresses from 5-star hotels, and Trevor was on fire with his jokes about the video game that lets you play as Jesus (“Resurrect him!”) Naturally, the House drafting articles of impeachment got a lot of focus. We also looked at the DOJ investigation into the Russia investigation, which Trump straight-up ignored and denied the reality of; how does this even work for him? Lewis had a great Back in Black on dubious Christmas offerings for Jews, from Hallmark “Hanukkah” movies that are just Christmas movies in disguise to Auschwitz-themed Christmas ornaments??? Alfre Woodard and Aldis Hodge were the guests, talking about their new movie on capital punishment and the toll it takes on people who carry out these executions on behalf of the state.

Wednesday, December 11 – Great jokes on Time honoring Greta Thunberg’s climate activism by printing her picture on millions of magazines and shipping them around the country on airplanes. We also looked at the (rightful) backlash over “plantation weddings (why is this a thing?!) Next was a story on the 18-year pattern of administrations lying about the war in Afghanistan. It was disturbing to have so many officials admit they had no idea why we’re there, what we’re doing, or who our “enemy” is. I loved Trevor’s plan to funnel some military spending into American schools or hospitals by claiming the Taliban is hiding there. Ronny had an unnerving piece on whole-body donation, which is of course being exploited by people who use it to sell body parts (featuring a long discussion about a bag of dicks.) The guest was Lupita Nyong’o, promoting her new children’s book about a girl learning to love her dark skin.

Thursday, December 12 – Opening blurbs on recently-discovered cave art (“This beautiful artwork is fading away! Look, when I scrape at it, it comes right off!”), a dangerous promposal mishap, and a Christmas photographer who specializes in kids crying on Santa’s lap. Good story on the “asshole” behavior of the family Trump, naturally involving Trump mocking a teenage girl on Twitter, Don Jr. shooting an endangered sheep (with a laser scope!), and the Trumps having to attend a court-ordered class on how to run a charity without stealing from it. Dulcé reported on recent workplace studies, from people who quit because of a bad boss to people who go to work when they’re sick (“You used up a box of tissues in an hour. Either you’re sick or I need to check your browser history!”) Solange Knowles was the guest. I liked her remarks on taking inspiration from Black cowboys to create new work that she feels epitomizes Americana.