News Satire Roundup: November 3rd-November 7th

Sunday, November 3 – We started, as is becoming typical, with Stupid Watergate II, touching on Fox News’s insinuations about Alexander Vindman being a Russian spy (John speculating on just what “the plan” was there was great) and a mind-boggling “witch hunt” shirt for sale on Trump’s campaign website that seems to think witches are the hunters in a witch hunt. The main story, on voting machines, was really sobering. Although I knew that many voting machines are outdated, the whole system is vulnerable to hacking, and the Senate has little interest in fixing it, the story included a lot of wild details, like someone demonstrating how a certain voting machine could be penetrated in under two minutes or the fact that machines with touchscreens can incorrectly count votes even without interference when they get old. It’s awful that we have elected officials who don’t care about the safety of the very process that elects them.

Monday, November 4 – We opened on McDonald’s CEO getting fired, calorie counts on menus being ineffective (I liked the analogy to having a blacklight in a strip club,) and the inaccuracy of breathalyzers (loved Trevor’s plan to test drivers with an offer to message their ex.) Good piece on the border wall, which smugglers are cutting through with easily-obtainable saws. Trump pivoting from “the wall is impenetrable” to “anything can be penetrated and we made it that way because it’s so easy to put back together” was absurd even for him. Next was Elizabeth Warren’s Medicare for All plan. Good point on the scrutiny of her plan, when Trump ran in 2016 on vague claims about “the best healthcare.” The guest, author Colson Whitehead, discussed his new book based in a notorious reform school. I liked his comments on setting it in the ‘60s, which he described as both the most optimistic and the most hopeless time for U.S. race relations.

Tuesday, November 5 – Yes, we live in a world where someone can get stabbed over a chicken sandwich and the bystanders don’t move for fear of losing their place in line. Sheesh. We also had quick blurbs on Gordon Sondland “revising” his testimony and the possibility of jail time for overdue library books. I liked the story on California inmates being used to fight wildfires. So gross – the state saves $100 million a year by using them, but they only get days off their sentences and earn up to $1 an hour, plus they probably can’t become firefighters when they get out. Loved the joke about how they can only fight fires if they commit a crime first – “That orphanage is on fire! Quick, help me rob this bank!” Cory Booker was the first of two guests. I liked his comments that regaining voters doesn’t just mean flipping Trump voters. The second guest was Edward Norton, talking about his 20-year quest to make Motherless Brooklyn.

Wednesday, November 6 – First up was the recent elections (“Virginia’s House flipped from red to blue, and that’s a state where their governor’s face flipped from white to black.”) Some good lines about Emma Watson’s comments on “self-partnering,” especially the proposed comeback to creepy guys hitting on her: “I’m already dating someone richer and hotter than you, and it’s me!” We also got a quick blurb on a new theory of the universe. Next was Wall Street’s fear of Elizabeth Warren. I appreciated the reminder of past times that Wall Street predicted stock-market doom based on election outcomes. Michael had an interesting piece on anti-masturbation rhetoric in the alt-right, the idea being that sexual suppression keeps them angry and easier to mold. The guest was Julián Castro. Like Cory Booker, he took issue with the idea that Democrats’ sole focus should be on white working-class people who voted for Trump.

Thursday, November 7 – Opening blurbs on Facebook banning emojis used sexually (but not, as Trevor pointed out, political ads with verified falsehoods,) Las Vegas criminalizing homelessness (the government will provide you with a bed and a roof, but it’ll be in jail,) and a 911 operator too busy watching Netflix to assist a caller. Nice piece on the vaping industry, showing how it targets teens – I loved Trevor comparing Juul’s “adults like gummi bear flavors too!” excuse to a pedophile shrugging off their van full of candy and Disney movies. In the next piece, I liked the initial observation of how weirdly Trump stands (penguin-like is a good description,) but the ensuing sketch with Michael as the “standing ‘expert’” who taught Trump fell flat for me. The guest, comedian Jenny Slate, talked her new book and standup special. Re: the book, I liked the idea of a celebrity writing about whatever comes into their head.