News Satire Roundup: October 6th-October 10th

Sunday, October 6 – We began with the latest on Stupid Watergate II, naturally, looking at lots at lots of White House officials texting about the crime and other officials warning not to text about the crime. Good main story on China’s one-child policy. I already knew about a lot of the ill effects of the policy – huge gender disparities in the population (leading to increased human trafficking as men try to “buy” brides from other countries,) a plethora of overindulged only children – but some were new to me. The idea of a parent naming their second child “20,000 Chen” as an eternal reminder of the fee they had to pay to keep him is rough, and it’s horrible that second children whose parents couldn’t afford the fee don’t legally exist as Chinese citizens. We also got several helpings of John’s random disdain for pandas, which was fun, and a great And Now This featuring a montage of beat-poetry-style reporting from a local news reporter.

Monday, October 7 – I liked the blurbs on Tyler Perry’s massive film studio and a deer in a salon, but I loved the one about a Black juror sentenced to 10 days in jail for oversleeping. The judge’s reasoning that, as the only Black juror, he was especially needed, was gross, and I loved Trevor’s response: “So put him on another jury! That’s where you need Black people! You know where you don’t need more Black people? In jail.” Next was Trump’s surprise withdrawal of troops in Syria, blindsiding the Pentagon (it’s not surprising at this point, but that doesn’t make it better.) Michael and Roy did a new sports piece, covering Simone Biles, China getting mad at a critical tweet from an NBA GM, and someone at Kansas University thinking Snoop Dogg would give a family-friendly season kick-off show. The guest, Chanel Miller, discussed her experience with the Brock Turner case and questioned why we hold men to such low standards.

Tuesday, October 8 – I liked Trevor’s thoughts on how lifting celibacy requirements for priests might affect the church (such as seeing your priest’s Tinder profile!) I also laughed at his impression of Don Draper biting into one of the new whiskey pods. Today’s impeachment-inquiry story covered administration officials’ less-than-stealthy texts and the bizarre notion that Trump seems to think he can just refuse to cooperate – as Trevor pointed out, “This isn’t the Vietnam War.” Louis did a Back in Black on unexpected medical bills, from wildly-varying procedure prices to hospitals staffing ERs with contractors and then categorizing them as “out-of-network” (what?!) Great interview with former national security advisor Susan Rice. She stressed the importance of remembering that none of what’s happening now is normal, and I love what she said about Trump’s “America First” philosophy actually being a “Me First” philosophy.

Wednesday, October 9 – First up was the LGBTQ rights cases before the Supreme Court, with Trevor taking the logical stance that you should only fire people for things related to their job. Good blurb on a gender-reveal party gone wrong when the reveal balloon flew away – loved Trevor’s comments about the couple chasing the balloon as if it was the only way they’d ever know the gender of their child. Next was a piece on the NBA capitulating to China on a critical tweet from a GM, which dovetailed into numerous cooperations who tiptoe around China. Ronny gave both a US-friendly and a China-friendly response. Roy spoke to GOP presidential candidate Bill Weld and failed to convince a group of Trump voters to give him a chance (despite most of them admitting they’re embarrassed at how the last three years have gone.) Will Smith was the guest, talking about the “good mistakes” that got him to where he is today.

Thursday, October 10 – Opening bits on controlled power outages in California (with Trevor side-eyeing overreliance on electricity – “You know my penis doesn’t work without WiFi! Why did I upgrade to a smartpenis?!”), “mutiny” on a cruise ship, and disasters at a hot-air balloon festival. We caught up with the impeachment inquiry before returning to Syria, where Turkey attacked Kurdish forces. Trump’s “well, the Kurds didn’t help us in WWII, so…” defense was ridiculous, and his reasoning that any ISIS fighters who escape prison in the attacks will probably just head to Europe was eerie. Senator Rand Paul was the guest. He and Trevor discussed the Ukraine scandal and the events in Syria, and they also debated his new book, The Case Against Socialism. I loved what Trevor said about how the monarchies that the American colonists despised have been replaced by giant corporations who are the new “kings and rulers.”