News Satire Roundup: April 8th-April 12th

Sunday, April 8 – More cabinet drama, with EPA administrator Scott Pruitt accused of various improper actions (mishandling taxpayer money, possibly accepting major lobbyist perks, etc.)  I agree with John that the best demonstration of his paradoxical appointment was the fact that his online presence still credited him as being opposed to the EPA’s agenda, even after getting the job.  We then looked at Hungary’s election, including a joke candidate who appeared on the news in a chicken suit, before getting to the main story.  Tonight, the focus was on crisis pregnancy centers.  John covered the loopholes that allow them to be eligible for federal funding without having to follow HIPAA or ensure that information they give is medically accurate, as well as the efforts they go to to make women think they’re abortion clinics.  I appreciated that he pointed out many pro-life groups’ total dismissal of birth control, which is so counterproductive.

Monday, April 9 – The first big story tonight was on Scott Pruitt’s assorted ethics violations.  I liked the joke about how even Shonda Rhimes would think that’s too much scandal, and I loved Trevor countering Pruitt’s demand for an expensive soundproof booth (to ensure privacy for his phone calls) with, “You’ve never heard of whispering?”  Excellent story on Trump’s obsession with the “caravan” of migrants/asylum seekers from Central America.  The montage excellently highlighted how Trump rolled all his favorite talking points into the issue (DACA, border wall, voter fraud, etc.), and the piece ended with the distressingly-relevant point that someone with such a fundamental misunderstanding of the things he’s talking about isn’t the best person to sit down with Kim Jong-un.  Guest Tyra Banks gave a fun interview – she and Trevor exchanged their mutual love for each other, and she discussed her new book about her and her mom.

Tuesday, April 10 – I laughed at Trevor suspecting Mark Zuckerberg sent a robot duplicate in place of himself to his congressional hearing.  Good piece on the FBI investigating Michael Cohen, Trump’s lawyer.  I loved the point about how shady your administration is when your lawyer calls you for his one phone call, and Trevor’s response to Trump’s tweet that “attorney-client privilege is dead!” was fantastic:  “At least I still have you, white privilege – never leave me!”  Roy and Michael announced the winner of Third Month Mania, Trump’s “very fine people” remark about the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville.  The runner-up, the conspiracy that the Parkland students are “crisis actors,” is also some powerful BS, but I get why this one won.  Mariska Hargitay was the guest.  She talked about SVU and her character becoming such a strong symbol for survivors, as well as her own work to combat sexual assault.

Wednesday, April 11 – I liked Trevor’s take on the indignity of “arming” teachers with mini bats as a “symbolic gesture” to defend against school shooters.  Next up was an Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That, featuring Trump evidently declaring war on Syria over Twitter, Trump having no plans to fire Robert Mueller (despite the White House looking into whether that’s within his powers,) John Boehner working for a marijuana company, and Paul Ryan peacing out (having increased the national debt with GOP tax cuts after eight years championing “fiscal conservatism.”)  Hasan did a Hasan the Record on impeachment, essentially reminding us not to get our hopes up since 1) a U.S. president has never been removed that way and 2) even if it did happen, we’d just get President Pence.  The guest, Patriots player Martellus Bennett, talked about getting into writing children’s books to give his daughter more characters who look like her.

Thursday, April 12 – Quick blurbs on fights in baseball (Trevor’s take:  “still not interesting!”,) a girl unfairly treated by her school dress code (I liked Trevor’s suggestion to tape the distracted boys’ dicks down instead of the girl’s nipples under her shirt,) and the rumors of a Trump love child (everyone who doesn’t know their father prays it’s not Trump.)  Good story on Mark Zuckerberg’s hearing, hitting the main beats of a) most old Congress members know nothing about Facebook, and b) for a genius, Zuckerberg claims to be shockingly ill-informed about his own technology.  CP Time returned for Roy to look at three key 1960s civil rights laws that have been undermined in recent years – calling them “our Lord of the Rings” trilogy and Jeff Sessions “our Gollum” was perfect.  Model Karlie Kloss was the guest, talking about her new initiative, not just to teach girls coding, but also to train teachers in order to achieve a wider reach.