Friday, May 1, 2015

Poem: What You Should Do If Someone Tells You They’re Asexual (2012)

Yesterday completely got away from me and I forgot to post - apologies.  So, the end-of-month original poem is going here, and I'll put up today's post later tonight.

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What You Should Do If Someone Tells You They’re Asexual





Right off the bat,
Assume that “asexual” means
Their plumbing is missing
Or mangled
Or otherwise non-functioning.
If you’re up to it,
A few binary fission jokes
Wouldn’t be amiss
At this stage.

Wait to really dig in.
Hold off until they tell you
That “asexual”
Simply means they’re not interested in sex –
With men, with women, etcetera.
Now it’s time to get things started.
If you possibly can,
Gawk
As if you just saw Frankenstein’s monster
Doing the cha-cha
With Jimmy Carter.

Once that’s taken care of,
Insist that this can’t be true.
Adulthood be damned,
They’re clearly a late bloomer
And just haven’t met
The right person yet.
Argue that they won’t know
Until they’ve tried it,
And when they point out
That you, presumably,
Knew you wanted sex
A fair sight before you had it,
Say that it’s different,
But don’t explain why.

Suggest they’re repressed,
Or scared of commitment,
Or so far in the closet
They’re halfway to Narnia.
Failing that,
Simply, sweetly,
Assure them that they’re broken,
But not hopelessly so,
And that drugs, surgery,
Or psychotherapy
Could fix them up in a jiff.

If, despite all your best efforts,
They stubbornly hold
That they are who they say,
Then crank up the pity
Two notches beyond eleven.
In your best serious tone,
Remind them
Of everything they’ll miss out on,
And don’t forget to imply
That they’ll never find anyone
Who’s willing to love them like that.

In all you do,
Make sure they feel deficient.

Ideally,
Before you go,
Try to overhear a sexist, racist,
Or homophobic comment
From a passerby,
So that, as you walk away,
You’ll be able to grumble to yourself
About “how insensitive some people can be.”

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